Open Letter to My Brother

Well hello! I had started this post on my sweet smart phone about a week ago. Much to my dismay when I was about half way done, it deleted my entire post. {Insert really upset face here}

So here we go again for a quick open letter to my baby brother......

Dear K,

As children, we spent the majority of our time together..... fighting. I remember mom asking people who had children (boy/girl pairings) who were close in age, like we were, if and how their children got a long so well. I mean, we only verbally and physically beat each other on a daily basis. Isn't that what kids did?

In middle school, I'm pretty sure we hated each other. I mean we liked each other because we were family but we fought more and didn't spend nearly as much time with each other. Thinking back, probably my fault but I can't change that. Thankfully, shortly after that we were both in high school. In a weird twist of fate, our block scheduling never had us in the same class but the people you surrounded yourself with, were the same people or within the same group of friends I surrounded myself with and we slowly became friends. Whoa! I bet mom secretly did a cartwheel when we were at school. You and I spent more time together as you were in your junior and senior year while I was in college. Some how, some where things went from fights to fun for us.

Then we were both in college... some how ending up in a similar class and of course our friends didn't change. We continued to be better friends to each other. You still drove me absolutely INSANE, but you morphed into my best friend. The person who I wanted to go to concerts with, on adventures with, it was one of the best times in my life. Having all the same friends, spending our free time together, made how awful the shit we had going on around us (dads cancer/stevie's death/breakups etc.) better.

It meant a lot to me that you liked my then boyfriend, now husband, and that we would all hang out together. When I moved out and left the house we grew up in, I missed mom and dad immensely but it hurt my heart not having you to hang out with as often. Over the past several years we have seen each other less and less but when I think about my true best friends you still hold the spot, shared of course with Pat. You were the best man at my wedding and said to me while we danced that you were proud of me, loved my husband and were happy for us and that you missed hanging out and how we needed to get together more and that was one of the sweetest things you have ever said to me.

When mom was diagnosed two years ago, it was nice to see you 2-3 times a week... even if I was working from the house...or you and Pat were at hockey together. I think that despite how emotionally distraught I was with both of our parents being sick, it solidified to me that no matter what we are family and we will stick together.

Now don't get me wrong, you still do things that drive me absolutely crazy. That list is not important though. You are an amazing man. You are genuine. You are talented, in so many things that I envy you. You under-estimate yourself and damn that kills me. You a fiercely protective of the things you love. You are hilarious. You are witty. You are an asshole sometimes. You are so deserving of the joy that surrounds you and not deserving of any of the crap that gets dumped on your plate. You are my brother. You are my best friend for life.

Continue to push. Continue to persue your dreams. Continue to grow into a dependable man that we all admire.

Love You, H

To parent or not to parent, that is the question!?!?!

So my friend J ( andahomecomingqueen.com , read her blog)and I were tweeting back and forth today about joining the Mom Club. An elite, strong group of women courageous enough to raise children, develop our future, carry on our traditions, well ideally. Fellow ladies who sacrifice sleep, privacy in the bathroom and the ability to be frivolous with money and time.

Now I see the benefits, I see the frustrating times and the unconditional love from parent to child. Yet 80% of the time I want nothing to do with another full time job. I'm a wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, colleague, boss, dog momma, friend, house keeper, bill payer, tax official, DIY guru and so much more. While I do have the large cranium my family produces, I don't know that I can wear another hat.

Partner that with the laundry list of medical issues within our families, ready? Leukemia, lymphoma, breast cancer, Parkinson's disease, asthma, emphysema, heart disease, degenerative eye disease, copd, thyroid deficiencies and a fabulously slow working metabolism, oh and all of that's with our immediate family.

I just feel that it would be selfish to bring a child into that. I guess only time will tell. I don't know that it might be something I regret not doing, but for now, it is not our focus. I'm happy being a wife. After nearly 8 years together, and almost 5 years married we are always asked about babies, but there it is. It might not ever happen. Even though we choose that I somehow feel guilty for letting my family down. If we ever change our mind our kid will be absolutely adorable. Ugh, the life of a women who despite it all catches baby fever.